


Please Don't Go

by Jessie2126



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27774793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessie2126/pseuds/Jessie2126
Summary: TW: Heavy references to anxiety and panic attacksThis one takes place when Maddie is just a few weeks along in her pregnancy. The original prompt was: "I love you, please don't go." It's the first time Maddie has a severe panic attack in front of Chimney whilst she's pregnant and she panics when he offers to give her some space, not remembering the fact she'd asked him to go away whilst he was trying to calm her down.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW, anxiety and panic attacks are mentioned quite a bit in this one

She both loves and hates firefam parties. The energy, the funny stories, seeing everyone, it makes her happy. But then there’s also the drinking, the noise, the way she sometimes has to force herself to keep up a conversation. Tonight, as much as she loves her brother, it’s Buck who starts that inevitable spiral that can only end in panic.

“Oh, come on Mads, that can’t be all your eating.”

His tone is teasing. But she can’t help but notice how his eyes are slightly glazed over and the way he’s stumbling towards her. “I’m just not hungry okay!!!” Maybe that came out meaner than she expected, but she’s only 7 weeks along and the nausea and hormones haven’t been easy on her.

“You have 6 crackers and 2 pieces of cheese on your plate. We’ve been here for over an hour and that’s all your eating?”

Oh my god, can you just leave me alone? I just don’t feel like eating okay?”

“I just don’t get you. What are you even playing at here? You’re with Chimney, literally the nicest guy in the world, you could eat a 5-course meal in front of him and he’d still love you.” His mouth pulls up in a sneer. “I swear to god Maddie, I love you, but sometimes I feel like your still with Doug, cause that’s the way your acting!!!”

That’s what causes that first feeling of anxiety to creep into her mind. She absent mindedly grabs random items, adding them to her plate. Then she sees Buck’s smile. “Great, glad to see that that got you to actually eat something.” He loves her, but he’ll never get her, not fully. She could say something, tell him exactly how his words made her feel. But she doesn’t, closes herself off, disassociates. It’s a pattern of behavior, something she does to try and keep herself safe. But she’s not alone, never really is, she has him.

It’s easy enough to get his attention. She thinks he’s almost glad to get away from the long conversation about cooking he’s having with Bobby. He quickly heads over to her with a smile. “Hey, how’s everything going?” Her face must give something away, because he leans down so their lips are almost touching. She hopes that to most people it looks like they’re just a cute couple having a moment. It’s all she can do to reach up a little and give his shoulder 2 quick squeezes.

For the first time, he’s really glad they came up with this signal. They decided on squeezes rather than taps when in public, since it would be more obvious. He can see how her face is draining of color, notices how she’s beginning to close in on herself. He quickly gives an excuse of an early shift for her in the morning. No one says anything at the time, but he knows he’ll most likely be getting a call from Hen later. He raps her up in her coat and leads her out to the car. He never drinks, not after knowing how hard it had been for her when Doug drank. He doesn’t want to put her through that. Thankfully, their apartment is only about a 15-minute drive away from Bobby’s. About 5 minutes before they get there, he looks at her. She hasn’t said a word since those 2 squeezes and he’s sure how the thoughts are spinning in her head.

“Say it out loud.”

“What?”

Her voice is thin, quiet, unsure. “Maddie, I can tell how your shaking, you haven’t said a word since before we left. I know where your minds going. I’m not saying that the panic attack won’t happen, but, if you say things out loud, it might help, even a little. Please?” 

She doesn’t want to, but she knows that the minute she opens her mouth everything will come tumbling out. “I’m scared, and nervous. What if something goes wrong? What if I’m not a good parent? I don’t think I’m eating enough. But what if I’m eating to much? Am I eating the right amount, the proper nutrients? What if this baby isn’t healthy?” She feels it, the shaking, how fast she’s breathing, the tears streaming down her face, the utter and complete loss of control.

He’s never been so glad that their root home is all side streets. He slowly pulls over and climbs out. He opens her door, lightly puts an arm around her. He contemplates keeping her in the passenger seat. He doesn’t want to startle her, but he knows that during a panic attack, she needs to be held, wrapped up and safe. He gently guides her until the 2 of them are sitting together in the back seat. “Maddie, I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”

“No, you should go. I, I’ve forced you into this, y you don’t have to deal with me when I’m this much of a mess.” 

He nods slightly. “You are not a mess, not at all.” He can’t push but needs to make sure she knows that he still loves her. 

“It was B Buck. He, He, just.”

Her breathing is getting faster, shallower. “Maddie, can you look at me?” Her tear-filled eyes slowly gaze at him. “Great, that’s it, now, can you try and take some nice, slow, deep breaths for me?”

“He, s, s, started.” It’s hard for her to describe what utter panic feels like for her. But right now, it feels like she’s on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to go over the edge. She can only vaguely here his voice.

“Maddie, Hey, Maddie, it’s okay, your fine, your safe. Right now, we’re in my car, about to head home. I just need you to try your best to take a few deep breaths. In, 2, 3, 4, hold, out, 2, 3, 4.”

His voice is smooth, calm, repetitive. The more he talks, the easier his words are to understand in her panic-filled mind. She’s slowly but surely able to make out the steady numbers he’s saying. The more she listens, the slower her chest rises and falls.

“That’s it, you’re doing amazing. I got you.” She nods a little. “I love you, and as soon as your ready, I’ll drive you back to our place, and head to Albert’s for the night.”

She had been leaning into him, but now grips his hand tightly, squeezing his fingers until it’s almost impossible for her to let go. With her other hand she grips his suit jacket. “N, n, no, please d don’t go. I, l love you.” 

He tries to keep the shock off his face. Both from her words and from her change of heart. “I love you too. I hope you know that. Maddie, I’m right here, and I promise you, I am not going anywhere. I’ll stay with you for as long as it takes.” 

“B Buck was t talking about what I w wasn’t eating. A And its j just.”

He feels the way the tears are soaking into his jacket. He slowly let’s go of her hand and lightly lifts her chin “Maddie, how many bones are they’re in the human body?” It’s a therapy technique they had learned from Frank, trying to distract the mind from that spiral of irrational anxious thought. When she doesn’t respond, he says it again, a little more firmly.

That gets her to stop struggling to get words out and her answer is automatic. “205.” 

“Yep, that’s it. “What’s the name of my unit?”

That earns him a tiny smile. “easy, 118.” Her voice is still soft and raspy from the tears, but now it’s much more certain.

“You know it. Now, when you moved into my place, you said, give a girl an inch?”

No hesitation on her part, and even a little giggle. “She takes the whole closet?”

“Bingo. How do you feel?”

She shrugs. “Okay, exhausted, that helped more than I thought it would.”

“I’m glad, we can talk about all of this as soon as we’re home.” He pauses. “Unless you’d rather do it now?”

She shakes her head. “Not here.”

He leans in for a kiss. “Yeah, probably not the best place for a heart to heart. We are in the back seat of my car on the side of the road.”

“Good point. Chim, I’m so sorry.”

“Maddie, you have nothing to apologize for, I promise. I love you, and no matter how many panic attacks you have, that’s never going to change.”

She gives a small nod. “Thank you.”

“Of course, so, what can I do to best help when we get back?” He wants to ask about her telling him to leave but knows it’s not the right time.

“Tea? A bath? Cuddles?”

“Those all sound like good ideas. I could also order in some take out if you want?” He knows not to push. She needs to eat but forcing it might only start her mind racing again.

“That sounds nice, but maybe something light? Only if that’s okay with you?”

His heart breaks. It’s been over a year. She’s been free of Doug for that long, their living together, and she’s pregnant. But she’s still scared to open up, reach out, nervous that he’ll reject her. He hugs her tighter. “Maddie, we can eat whatever you want, even if it’s just tea and toast.”

“I’d really like that.” She reaches for the handle of the car door. “I’m ready to head home.”

“He does it all in reverse, helps her into the front seat, gets back in on the driver’s side and slowly puts the key in the ignition. He looks over at her before shifting into drive. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

She slightly inclines her head. “We’re ready.”

That’s how he knows she’s telling the truth. The you are, we are, had become their thing, a way of letting each other know that they were well and truly okay for the moment. It allowed them to reassure one another without saying the words out loud. He knows that they’ll need to have a conversation. She’ll have to talk to him, holding it in won’t help at all. But for now, the panic attack is over. Those feelings of anxiety will be there for-a while, and he’ll need to tell her about what she said to him. But right now, she’s a little better, and she has him to lean on. As he backs out of the parking spot, he hopes that’s enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: References to panic attacks, anxiety, domestic abuse, and past trauma, the original prompt was:  
> Part 2 - “Can you please just hold me?” “Of course, I can, but we should talk about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: References to panic attacks, anxiety, domestic abuse, and past trauma,

For her, the aftermath is always the worst. The exhaustion, doubt, adrenalin that’s still pumping. She hates it. Hates that a conversation can make her mind race so much. Hates how she constantly feels like a burden to Chim. Hates how they can’t even get through a simple party without her falling to pieces. 

She always wonders what she did to deserve him. He’s never pushed, always listened, and has instantly known what to do. But there’s still that doubt. What if he minds? Will he leave? Is she holding back with him? The last 5 minutes home are quiet. The 2 of them are sitting in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. He lightly takes her hand as they head inside, helps her out of her jacket, sits with her on the couch. 

He waits a moment before speaking. “You hungry?”

She gives a tiny shrug. “A little.”

He nods. “In the mood for anything in particular?”

She thinks for a second. She was hungrier than she wanted to admit. Buck was cruel, but he did have a point. She hadn’t eaten for a while. “Maybe just tea, and a sandwich?”

He gives her a smile. “On it.” He hops up and heads to the kitchen.

She loves the methodical way he does things. Warming the bread, piling on the meats and cheeses, effortlessly adding the correct amount of spices to her home-made chai. Once it’s all complete, he puts the items on a tray, heads back over and sits down next to her, placing the tray on the coffee table. He lightly lifts up the cup and holds it out to her. She takes it, loving the warmth between her fingers. She slowly sips. It’s the definition of comfort, cinnamon, spices, steamed milk. It makes her feel safe, secure, loved. “Well, how is it?”

“It’s perfect.” She pauses, wondering whether to continue. She’s terrible at asking for things. Anything from rides to help with paperwork. Doug had robbed her of her ability to trust. So now, it’s all she can do to force herself to get the next sentence out. “Can you please just hold me?”

He speaks as he moves, gently rapping an arm around her shoulders. Her head effortlessly drops onto his chest. Not for the first time, she loves how small he is, how they can just fit together, like puzzle pieces. “Of course, I can.”

He wonders whether he should continue. He doesn’t want to push her. But he knows that the thoughts are still racing. Knows how she’s still really tense and on edge, so, he goes on. “But we should talk about it.” She hesitates, he notices and holds her closer. “Maddie, I know your still on edge, and I know your tired. If we don’t talk about this now and you go to sleep, it’ll still be there when you wake up. I love you, and if your really not up to it, just say the word and I’ll stop, but I think you might feel even just a little better if you say whatever it is out loud. Please?” He then holds up the sandwich. “You also need to eat.”

She slowly takes a bite, swallowing as she thinks. She doesn’t want to, but Chim does have a point, the longer she waits to talk about it, the more the thoughts will spiral. “Do you think I hold back with you?” Her voice is soft, uncertain, timid. She still feels afraid that his answer will be harsh and judgmental. But of course, it’s not.

He waits a second before responding. He wants to be honest with her, but not make it feel like it’s her fault. He speaks slowly. “I think that you’ve been through more than most people will ever have to go through in a lifetime. With Doug, you needed to close off to protect yourself. So, I don’t think you hold back because you want to, but I think it’s because before you just had no choice.” He waits to see if she’ll say anything, she doesn’t. “Why?”

He’s right, he’s always right. Doug would break her down piece by piece until even asking for the smallest thing would be near to impossible for her. “It was Buck. I was nervous, couldn’t really bring myself to eat, and he said he brought up how I should eat more, pressuring me. But he was a little drunk, so.”

“You can’t make excuses for him. Maddie, he hurt you, and that’s never okay.”

“I know, I guess I’m just used to it. I’ve always protected him. I just, I don’t think I know how to admit when people are wrong, how to push back.”

“It’s completely understandable. Look at all you’ve gone through. Maddie, you’re still healing, and that takes time.”

“I know. Then he said that I always hold back when I’m with you, and that I’m acting the way I was when I was with Doug. And he doesn’t know I’m pregnant, I know that, but it just.” She trails off.

“It just made all those thoughts come back?”

“Yeah, and I knew I had to leave. I’m sorry, you probably wanted to stay.”

“And listen to Bobby describe the correct way to steam vegetables? I’m good. I’m great at a lot of things, but cooking is definitely not one of them. And he doesn’t even no your pregnant yet. Imagine all the terrible advice I’ll get then?”

She giggles. It’s one of the things she loves the most about him. His incredible ability to defuse the tension with a joke or pun. “Good point. I keep thinking though. What if we mess up?”

“Oh, we will. Maddie, there are no such things as perfect parents. But I think we’ll figure it out between the 2 of us. Neither of us had the best parents, and while it was hard, I think it’ll make us much more aware.”

“Your probably right. I don’t know if I’ll ever not worry though.”

“Well, at least you know you’ve already got that maternal instinct. Mads, you were a great nurse and are an even better dispatcher, you’ll make a great mom.”

“You’re a pretty good paramedic yourself, you’ll be the best dad.”

He runs his hand under her top, lightly rubbing circles on her stomach. “Yep, this little one is going to be pretty lucky, huh?”

She beams at him. “Yeah, she is. Then she pauses. “Why did you say you wanted to leave?”

He wants to say it was a slip of the tongue, wants to pretend it was nothing. But she had done enough pretending in her life, he had to tell her the truth. “He squeezes her tighter. “Maddie, right at the beginning of your panic attack, you asked me to, I just wanted to honor your wishes.”

She feels herself wanting to close off, wants to apologize over and over for forgetting. But she doesn’t, she’s done that enough with him. “Oh, wow.”

“I know what your thinking, you want to say sorry and that it’ll never happen again, right?” She nods. “Remember our first not date?”

“Yeah, we went to that restaurant. I couldn’t decide on a meal, and I panicked.”

“What did I do?”

“You moved over to my side of the booth. Helped me go over the menu heading by heading?”

“Yes, and then what happened?”

“We decided to share a dish, and even though it took almost 20 minutes, you just let me take my time?”

“Exactly, Maddie, I don’t care how long it takes, or how many panic attacks you have. You have anxiety, PTSD, and it’s all a result of complex trauma. I’ll wait as long as it takes and please no that that’s never going to change.”

She wants to cry, but their happy tears this time. He gets her, he’s never pushed, always taken his time and never made her feel devalued. “Well, you definitely know how to take your time. Look at how long it took you to ask me on a real date.”

“Eleven months, 3 weeks.” 

She laughs. “You’re the best, just thank you. And I know I don’t have to say that, but you’re just amazing. I hope you know that. I mean, those distraction techniques were great.”

“Tried to give you things you’d just know.”

“The last one was my favorite. I still need to organize the rest of my stuff.”

“Well, we’ve got plenty of time for that.” He pauses for a second. “Should I talk to Buck?”

She shakes her head. “No, I really appreciate the offer, but I need to handle this on my own. I think I might set up a few extra meetings with Frank, work on some strategies. Your empowering helped a lot”

“I’m glad. I wanted you to say it out loud.”

“I never had that person, you know. I treated people as a nurse, was forced to cover up for years when married to Doug, and just had to stay strong for Buck. It, it just feels really good to have you.”

“Anytime Maddie, anytime at all. I’m lucky to have you.”

“No, we’re lucky to have each other. I feel stronger saying everything out loud. Just realizing it for myself. I didn’t. I never had that before. So, you making me realize your love, just, it means so much.”

Instead of answering, he pulls her in for a long kiss. She now notices the crumbs on the plate, the way her cup is empty. He’s so good at helping without making a big deal of it. She loves that. Loves the way they can just talk, no pressure or stress on what to say. With Doug, she always had to force herself to smile, but her smiles come naturally with him. She hopes he knows that she really does love him, even if she can only say the words when in the throws of anxiety. 

“So, bath, pajamas, cuddles?” 

“That sounds perfect.” And, as he helps her up, leaving the dishes on the table, she knows. It’s in the small things, the tea, hand holding. He shows love in everything he does, and she doesn’t think she’s ever felt safer with someone.


End file.
